Christmas can maybe

Well, Thanksgiving has past and now we're entering the last month of the year. To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about things right now. My feelings have been up and down lately and I'm finding it hard to be on an even keel. I'm tending toward the negative right now and I don't like it. I'm hoping once we get more into the swing of things that I'll be able to enjoy things more. 2016 has been a really confusing year what with all the political unrest, the loss of so many celebrities that were so much a part of people's childhoods and my own changes in my own personal things. I feel as if I can barely catch my breath before something else comes tumbling right into the thick of it all. That's no different than any other day of my life, is it? So let's kick this off on the right note.  

2016 . . .is it over yet?

This is my piece on the election this year, its results and any future events because of these recent events. I'm going to state this now that I don't vote for a very personal reason. I don't vote because I cannot handle the idea that my vote could be responsible for putting someone into office who might send off people I know and care about to die for something that I don't believe in. You're free to stop readin my post if you feel that I"m not allowed to have an onion on any election every because of this choice.

I'm not surprised at the results because right now we live in a nation being run on fear and willful ignorance. We live in a nation where athletes are paid millions of dollars and people like teachers make just enough to get by. Actors and people like Kardashians are held up as heroes while doctors and nurses are overworked. Money is more important in cases of rising college tuition costs than making sure our kids are getting the best education possible. Topics such as equal pay are somehow still issues that need to be discussed. We live in a nation where its a question of who, either the government or the guy who just decided to grab her, has control over a woman's own body. We live in a nation in which people believe they have the right to tell other people who they're allowed to fall in love with, whether it affects anyone else or not.

All of these things hurt my soul, so here is what I think and feel. I'm going to keep doing what I always do--I'm going to do what's right, which isn't always what is easy. I'm going to keep recycling every bit I can so that it's one less item in the landfill. I'm going to treat everyone I meet with respect, dignity and an open mind no matter their color, religion or who they voted for or not voted for. I'm going to help whoever I can. I will be there for my fellow man and woman. I'm going to hope that we learn to do better in the future. I'm going to hope that the lessons due to the repercussions of right now will not have too heavy of a cost. I will have hope for myself and for you.

That is all. Let's get back to life now.

Haunting times

"Hi. My name is Lelila and I'm an workaholic." Not like it's some great secret though; it's a running theme through more than half my posts and almost all of my problems that I'm always busy doing something with not enough time for all the things that I'm trying to do and no time at all for doing anything fun for myself.

I don't like being idle. I don't like being bored. I'd rather have too much to do than to have nothing to do at all. Granted, I tend to take things to the extreme but going by astrological signs and just by own my personality itself, I've never been one to do things half-assed. I do things til the end of the road or til your death, physical or metaphorical of your pride.

It's Halloween but of course, I have a million things to do. My costume for the day is the guise of a normal person cause let's face it, I've never been a normal person.

Happy Halloween!

Soon to be Happy Hobbit birthday to me!

I mentioned briefly that I'm throwing myself a Hobbit birthday party. I'm adult so why would I need a themed birthday party. The answer is that I don't need one. I simply want to. It'll be fun. No great adventure started out with, "We don't need to do that," and sticking to it. I'm quite excited!

Whimzy busy

I'm a whimsical person. I get ideas in my head and whether they stick around or not, I usually end up fulfilling them sooner or later. Things pop into my mind and if I like it enough, I'll fulfill it whenever I feel like it. Sometimes, things that I don't think I really want to do, I end up doing anyway because it's an experience and I don't want to miss out on anything if I can help it. It's like I'm inadvertently making a bucket list and checking things off in the most random fashion. Sometimes I go ahead and do them on my own or I end up dragging a person or a whole group with me.

I find fun activities and I decide to do them. I've been to concerts. I have been in bars. I've gone to amusement parks. I adore all kinds of museums. I'm always on the lookout for new restaurants to try. I love new arts and crafts. I want to do it all. Remember that random thought as a child of how cool would it be to drive a big rig truck around? I'm getting to do that at my work. I'm learning to be a switcher where I'm learning to drive the trailers around in the yard and moving them between bay doors and such. I've recently decided to throw myself a Hobbit themed birthday for no reason because I want to.

I don't like being bored!

Stitch needs desserts!

So obviously I have a problem with taking on too much. I have so many people relying on me and I hate to let anyone down by my inability to help them. I have to constantly remind myself that I can't help anyone if I don't help myself also. I have to remember that it's okay to say no sometimes, that I don't need to take on the burdens of the world. It's a constant struggle for me to be okay with everything enough that I feel I can relax because if left to my own devices, I always have too much to do. I have to remind myself that I'm no good to anyone while stressed and snapping at everyone around me. I need to be calm if I want to get things done and overdoing things will not help my stress levels. It's a lesson I will have to keep telling myself and a lesson that I make sure to pass to others around me.

More to the family

It's September and the insanity begins! Summer has ended and school has begun but this year, we decided to add a new challenge to things. Well, actually it's a new family member but not like that. We got a kitty! His name is Ray. I call him Bugger when he's being a little scamp and he's my Love Bug when he's all purrs. He goes from 90 to 0 in seconds from pouncing all over the house to suddenly being a nuisance with his insistence to cuddle. I adore him. I do believe he adores me as he refuses to let me work and keep scratching up my legs when he demands my attention by trying and barely jumping up into my lap. 

I have a full house with a husband, a child, a roommate, a dog and a kitten. I never did like boring.  lol

Band Girl

So it's no secret that my favorite band is the Goo Goo Dolls. I have every one of their albums that I can get my hands. I am part of their official fan club. I have a few t-shirts. I have signed memorabilia. I have been to several of their concerts and have even met them. In short, I'm fairly obsessed with them. 

Their music saved my life. It helped buoy my spirits from sinking so low that I could rise up again. Their lyrics remind me that I'm not alone in my feelings. Theirs songs can make me feel comforted or want to get up and dance. 

The first time I heard their song, "Name," I thought it was a great song but I was in my reject anything remotely popular. Their sound stayed in the back of my mind though. I felt much the same way when I heard "Iris." I more than took note and thought it was an amazing song but for whatever reason I stuck to my guns to not get stuck on popular music. Then I heard "Slide." I cried as I listened to that song for the first time ever. It very simply told me everything I had ever wanted to hear from anyone. I was going through a tough period in my life, so say the least. I had severe insomnia with panic attacks happening a couple of times a day. I bought that album, Dizzy Up the Girl, as soon as I could and it was likely the only thing that kept me sane. Between the Star Wars soundtrack and The Phantom of the Opera soundtrack, I was able to lay down with headphones over my ears to drown out the haunting voices in my head so that I may not have been able to sleep but I was able to rest just a little bit at a time. This band basically saved my life. 

I went to one of their concerts last weekend. I drove 2 hours to sit in the scorching, humid heat just to listen to them play live. I love their intermittent stories and they sounded amazing. I have never been to a bad show of theirs. 

They will always be my favorite band in the world. 

Time is more like a teenager

It's August already! We're in what I consider to be the last half of the year because it's only going to get more and more hectic as time goes on. It starts with the end of summer activities, Back to School shopping, the start of the new school year, Halloween, my anniversary, my daughter's birthday, my own birthday to Thanksgiving and Christmas and it all happens with no more than a week apart of each event, except for the month long celebration that is the end of the year celebration.

I have so much to do to prepare for each occasion and I have only just begun. I usually try to get a huge jump start for holiday shopping, even starting as soon as January one year, but this year can be considered a just-on-time start. We have a lot of people to shop for so it can get expensive all at once so I start early so I can spread out the shopping to take advantage of sales. I really need to get started on a list ASAP. Back to School shopping will be started today and hopefully will not be a long drawn out process if we can find what we need. I have almost no ideas for Halloween, anniversary or birthdays, so I definitely need to start thinking about things. I won't get started on the usual projects around the house that need or I just would like done. Of course, I work in the shipping department, which makes winter my busy season. 

This isn't any more different than any other year though, is it? To be honest, I love the craziness of it all. There's always something happening and I'm never bored. I will definitely admit I tend to overwork myself and I need to make sure I rest and make sure I just relax sometimes but I wouldn't change things for the most part.

Endless Night

I may have mentioned this before but I'm bipolar. It's difficult, to say the least though I will be the first to admit that I have it much easier than others. I have checks and balances that must be tripped successfully before I succumb usually. I'm able to usually tell when I'm in the middle of the episode when it does happen. I'm usually in pretty good control but not always and that's when it gets hard for me.

Being bipolar is a bit like being a reflection. I'm not a direct copy of the moods around me but an odd mixture of my own thoughts and the flowing emotions of everyone around me. I'm constantly on the edge and though I trip, I never fall to the bottom.

I'm sitting on the beach. Waves are constantly crashing against me. Sometimes I get wet. Sometimes there's enough time in between that I can dry off even. It's always close enough that I can feel droplets across my face. Nighttime is when I'm most calm and only have to worry about seeing myself. I'm surrounded in darkness with the starlight reflecting above and before me. It's an endless stream of thought. During the day, that's when there are others on the beach surrounding me. They crash into the ocean sometimes splashing me til I'm dripping wet with ocean water and I can taste it. Other times they're just in my peripheral vision as they come in and out with their emotions. Too many times they've dragged me into the surf and I've almost drowned. Sometimes they even rescue me but it's usually just me, pulling myself out inch by inch as the sand continues to fall into the ocean.

Sometimes I wish it was just me on my night beach but I would miss the people. I wouldn't mind an little more time there though.

Summer tilt

You'll have to forgive another late posting (as if there's anyone to actually ask for such forgiveness.) Summer is full tilt and I'm in the full whirl of it.

My child is out school so we are in the mists of summer learning activities. Every summer I give my daughter some basic education reviews while sometimes mixing in some extras. She has an summer learning book, which is basically a review of things she already knows and only takes her about 5 mins to complete, 25 minutes of reading when was upped 5 mins from last summer and then this year she has a daily choice of an extra activity, choosing between working on cursive handwriting, 20 mins of journal writing, practicing math facts, an arts'n'crafts or an astronomy lesson. We have also continued swimming lessons this summer, during which she has won the right to swim in the deep end of the pool after proving she can swim 1 pool length and tread for 1 min. I'm really proud of my daughter. She's really working hard but of course, she still has plenty of free time to enjoy being a kid with video games and tv. The weather is unfortunately too hot to enjoy the outdoors but we will be sure to take ever chance we can get of the great outdoors. 

The To Do List never seems to lessen as the addition of owning our own home seems to keep that list long. We have brief moments on which we are caught up but then more needs to be done to the house or living situation. We're getting there though, slowly but surely.

Then of course, there are the outside forces. Some family members are doing better than others, so that's been stressful and I'm choosing not to disclose any details right now. Let's not even mention the things going on in the news but suffice it to say that it hurts my heart more than I let on.

I haven't been feeling the best. I had a small incident in which I didn't react the best. Luckily for me, I'm not underrating that statement. I bumped my car into the side of a curb and when my car revved but didn't do anything I simply panicked. I didn't start screaming or anything but I immediately pulled over and my mind went into overdrive thinking that I'd destroyed my precious car. I called my husband to come get me and waited for him in a dark parking lot. He arrived to show me that nothing was wrong with my car. I felt stupid but so grateful that he came to my rescue. The point is that I shouldn't have reacted like that. If I'd just taken a breath and a clear thought I would have figured out nothing was wrong and just went on my merry way home. It made me realize just how stressed I was and how I needed to rest, which is what I did yesterday. I'm so very glad I did as I didn't even realize how worked up about everything I was becoming. So this is my reminder to myself--to rest every so often and to enjoy the moments in between of a good summer as they never last long before we're back to school and reality.

Time's a ticking, along with my heart

I'm a mother and that means I care too much which also translates to pushing too hard. I know that sometimes I'm too harsh. Honestly, there's no excuse. I need to learn to curb my ire and phrase things in a kinder way.

I have to learn to control my frustration. It comes from seeing people, especially those I care about, not doing the best they can. I have a real difficulty not understanding people who aren't motivated to do what is best for them. If you complain about being out of shape or overweight then do something about it. Sitting down in front of the computer for 8 hours of the day is not helping you lose weight. Going for a walk does. Effort is something that you need to give to achieve anything so if you don't put effort into things it makes no sense to complain if you are not achieving anything. Complaining does nothing but waste my time. Wasting time is a huge pet peeve of mine. I have to learn to give people time though. I have to learn to be more patient. Not everyone has had the same experiences that I did to learn such a lesson. 

I'm a mama. I want what's best for everyone. I just need to remember that giving someone time to learn something is not a waste of my time. 

Water of words

I'm a writer. It's not just the name of a job that I wish I had but it's the type of soul I am. I started this blog for some college courses I was taking online a few years ago and yet, here I am still writing in it. No one reads this and that doesn't bother me at all. I kind of prefer it that way. It's kind of a rambling of what might be happening in my life or snapshot of that's moment's thought.

I write for myself, not for anyone else. My thoughts are my own and are a constant stream that overflows so much with depths so deep that I'm not even aware of them and tributaries that run wild over the lands of realities and further. Sometimes my words are flowery and what I hope are artistic descriptions. Other times they are concise and to a sharp point. Other times I'm writing just to write. Most times I have no idea where my ideas will take me but I know there's an journey I must experience.

So I keep writing. If anyone ever stumbles upon this, that's fine. I hope you like what I write. If you don't, well, there's a millions of other blogs you can partake in but I thank you for the moment that you took to stumble upon my little chip of the writing block.

Tomorrow is a present

Ha! I'm posting this on time for once! Of course I have no specific topic to ruminate about today though, but that's still one out of two, which I'm aware if a failing grade but I'm here and that's counts for something. I hoped that as I keep tying something will work through my brain and through my fingertips.

Today is my husband's birthday, so that's something. I've never been a fan of my birthday but I'm always up for celebrating another's. We both still work today, unfortunately, but I do have off on Friday and with Monday being Memorial Day, we'll both have off on that day too.

I could really use a 4-day weekend. I can't remember the last time I took off just to enjoy a little bit of free time. It may have been back in November. I doubt I'll actually use that time to relax. I've got yard work to do, projects to work on and a million other small things that need to be done. However, I'll make sure to sneak in some gaming time or a few movies.

It's raining, it's pouring, I wish I was snoring

You'll have to forgive me for not having posted anything for over a month now, not that anyone reads this or anything like that. I only hold myself accountable for my actions. As they say, when it rains, it pours and it mostly certainly did drench me a good bit for a good while there.

As par for the course, I got sick, which vexed me greatly. I have gotten a terrible cold and even the flu every year since I have been back to my home state and this year I had thought I had broken that streak. I gotten through the first barrage of my husband, my roommate and then my child so just when the season was about to end, my roommate got sick again and that was when I finally sub-combed to illness. I was useless for over a week and was even forced to take 2 days off of work. Recovery from this flu was slow and I'm still trying to catch up with my housework.

Then of course, my computer died and of course, that was another week lost in idleness. My husband had to help me completely rebuild a new computer mixing up old and new parts. Luckily, the hybrid runs much better and should last a heck of a longer time too. I'm still trying to catch up on my paperwork.

Luckily for me though, I have been able to find time to finish small projects here and there and even on occasion spent time with friends and been able to have fun. I'm working on the balance thing. Work hard and remember to play hard afterwards.

Holding that umbrella

There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe . . .and she dropped it on me. That's about it. Obviously, I was saying that the other shoe has dropped in the most ridiculous way I could think of.

Those moments when things are going well and I'm actually not dreading what might come but actually planning for a happy future and then that most random thing comes out of nowhere and just plows into you happens to me far too often then I care to admit. It's why I'm an umbrella girl--the type of person who carries an umbrella all day when there's a chance it might rain because if I don't bring it, it will pour down hard on me but when I do have it, it's just another cloudy day. I have accepted that about myself. I just wish people would accept that fact about me because when I'm carrying around that umbrella, I'm asked why am I worried about stuff like that and why would I think about the worst thing that is happening. Because it does happen and I'd rather be prepared for it and deal with the smaller amount of fallout than to feel completely blindsided.

I feel that most catastrophic events are preventable if people would simply take the time to plan for them. There are always signs of what may come and people simply need to watch for them and not ignore them. Not acknowledging things does not make it go away. It only surprises you in the most horrific way. I see those signs. I point them out. I prepare for them. I'm called Kassandra and I accept that.

So I deal with things. I have my moments when I wallow in them but I never let that go on for too long. Then I actively work on things. It's what I do and I need to do that now. Before I leave, here's a light-hearted approach to the word of umbrella.  Why? Cause I can.

There's a storm a'brewin'

I have too much going on right now. I can't concentrate. I'm trying. I'm moving forward because I know there's going to be a moment soon where everything will stop for that brief second and everything will be different. I'm sorry.

Cleaning the New Year

I'm fairly sure I may have mentioned it before but if I didn't, I'll mention it now that I likely have obsessive compulsive disorder. I say likely as I've never been officially diagnosed with it. I have officially been diagnosed with bipolar and been told that the two conditions often run together. With certain symptoms that inevitably pop up no matter how I try to suppress them, it's highly likely that I do indeed have it. Anyway, the point of the matter with this that I feel chaotic.

I bought a house, which is great but we're in the process of unpacking, which means boxes and stuff and junk all over the place. It's kind of driving me crazy. My house in a mess and trying to find anything is next to impossible. I'm working on it when I can and as often as I can but it's overwhelming at best. I just have to keep cleaning though. It'll get done sooner or later and it'll be worth it.

2016!

It's a new year and big changes are happening soon. I'm very excited. I get the feeling that this year will continue to be a year of big changes. Some will be wonderful but others not so much. The only thing I will do is keep doing what I always do, which is just rolling with the punches and putting myself in a position to give a good kick back. I'll do my best to be prepared and do my best to enjoy the good in the situation.