Stitch needs desserts!

So obviously I have a problem with taking on too much. I have so many people relying on me and I hate to let anyone down by my inability to help them. I have to constantly remind myself that I can't help anyone if I don't help myself also. I have to remember that it's okay to say no sometimes, that I don't need to take on the burdens of the world. It's a constant struggle for me to be okay with everything enough that I feel I can relax because if left to my own devices, I always have too much to do. I have to remind myself that I'm no good to anyone while stressed and snapping at everyone around me. I need to be calm if I want to get things done and overdoing things will not help my stress levels. It's a lesson I will have to keep telling myself and a lesson that I make sure to pass to others around me.

More to the family

It's September and the insanity begins! Summer has ended and school has begun but this year, we decided to add a new challenge to things. Well, actually it's a new family member but not like that. We got a kitty! His name is Ray. I call him Bugger when he's being a little scamp and he's my Love Bug when he's all purrs. He goes from 90 to 0 in seconds from pouncing all over the house to suddenly being a nuisance with his insistence to cuddle. I adore him. I do believe he adores me as he refuses to let me work and keep scratching up my legs when he demands my attention by trying and barely jumping up into my lap. 

I have a full house with a husband, a child, a roommate, a dog and a kitten. I never did like boring.  lol

Band Girl

So it's no secret that my favorite band is the Goo Goo Dolls. I have every one of their albums that I can get my hands. I am part of their official fan club. I have a few t-shirts. I have signed memorabilia. I have been to several of their concerts and have even met them. In short, I'm fairly obsessed with them. 

Their music saved my life. It helped buoy my spirits from sinking so low that I could rise up again. Their lyrics remind me that I'm not alone in my feelings. Theirs songs can make me feel comforted or want to get up and dance. 

The first time I heard their song, "Name," I thought it was a great song but I was in my reject anything remotely popular. Their sound stayed in the back of my mind though. I felt much the same way when I heard "Iris." I more than took note and thought it was an amazing song but for whatever reason I stuck to my guns to not get stuck on popular music. Then I heard "Slide." I cried as I listened to that song for the first time ever. It very simply told me everything I had ever wanted to hear from anyone. I was going through a tough period in my life, so say the least. I had severe insomnia with panic attacks happening a couple of times a day. I bought that album, Dizzy Up the Girl, as soon as I could and it was likely the only thing that kept me sane. Between the Star Wars soundtrack and The Phantom of the Opera soundtrack, I was able to lay down with headphones over my ears to drown out the haunting voices in my head so that I may not have been able to sleep but I was able to rest just a little bit at a time. This band basically saved my life. 

I went to one of their concerts last weekend. I drove 2 hours to sit in the scorching, humid heat just to listen to them play live. I love their intermittent stories and they sounded amazing. I have never been to a bad show of theirs. 

They will always be my favorite band in the world. 

Time is more like a teenager

It's August already! We're in what I consider to be the last half of the year because it's only going to get more and more hectic as time goes on. It starts with the end of summer activities, Back to School shopping, the start of the new school year, Halloween, my anniversary, my daughter's birthday, my own birthday to Thanksgiving and Christmas and it all happens with no more than a week apart of each event, except for the month long celebration that is the end of the year celebration.

I have so much to do to prepare for each occasion and I have only just begun. I usually try to get a huge jump start for holiday shopping, even starting as soon as January one year, but this year can be considered a just-on-time start. We have a lot of people to shop for so it can get expensive all at once so I start early so I can spread out the shopping to take advantage of sales. I really need to get started on a list ASAP. Back to School shopping will be started today and hopefully will not be a long drawn out process if we can find what we need. I have almost no ideas for Halloween, anniversary or birthdays, so I definitely need to start thinking about things. I won't get started on the usual projects around the house that need or I just would like done. Of course, I work in the shipping department, which makes winter my busy season. 

This isn't any more different than any other year though, is it? To be honest, I love the craziness of it all. There's always something happening and I'm never bored. I will definitely admit I tend to overwork myself and I need to make sure I rest and make sure I just relax sometimes but I wouldn't change things for the most part.

Endless Night

I may have mentioned this before but I'm bipolar. It's difficult, to say the least though I will be the first to admit that I have it much easier than others. I have checks and balances that must be tripped successfully before I succumb usually. I'm able to usually tell when I'm in the middle of the episode when it does happen. I'm usually in pretty good control but not always and that's when it gets hard for me.

Being bipolar is a bit like being a reflection. I'm not a direct copy of the moods around me but an odd mixture of my own thoughts and the flowing emotions of everyone around me. I'm constantly on the edge and though I trip, I never fall to the bottom.

I'm sitting on the beach. Waves are constantly crashing against me. Sometimes I get wet. Sometimes there's enough time in between that I can dry off even. It's always close enough that I can feel droplets across my face. Nighttime is when I'm most calm and only have to worry about seeing myself. I'm surrounded in darkness with the starlight reflecting above and before me. It's an endless stream of thought. During the day, that's when there are others on the beach surrounding me. They crash into the ocean sometimes splashing me til I'm dripping wet with ocean water and I can taste it. Other times they're just in my peripheral vision as they come in and out with their emotions. Too many times they've dragged me into the surf and I've almost drowned. Sometimes they even rescue me but it's usually just me, pulling myself out inch by inch as the sand continues to fall into the ocean.

Sometimes I wish it was just me on my night beach but I would miss the people. I wouldn't mind an little more time there though.

Summer tilt

You'll have to forgive another late posting (as if there's anyone to actually ask for such forgiveness.) Summer is full tilt and I'm in the full whirl of it.

My child is out school so we are in the mists of summer learning activities. Every summer I give my daughter some basic education reviews while sometimes mixing in some extras. She has an summer learning book, which is basically a review of things she already knows and only takes her about 5 mins to complete, 25 minutes of reading when was upped 5 mins from last summer and then this year she has a daily choice of an extra activity, choosing between working on cursive handwriting, 20 mins of journal writing, practicing math facts, an arts'n'crafts or an astronomy lesson. We have also continued swimming lessons this summer, during which she has won the right to swim in the deep end of the pool after proving she can swim 1 pool length and tread for 1 min. I'm really proud of my daughter. She's really working hard but of course, she still has plenty of free time to enjoy being a kid with video games and tv. The weather is unfortunately too hot to enjoy the outdoors but we will be sure to take ever chance we can get of the great outdoors. 

The To Do List never seems to lessen as the addition of owning our own home seems to keep that list long. We have brief moments on which we are caught up but then more needs to be done to the house or living situation. We're getting there though, slowly but surely.

Then of course, there are the outside forces. Some family members are doing better than others, so that's been stressful and I'm choosing not to disclose any details right now. Let's not even mention the things going on in the news but suffice it to say that it hurts my heart more than I let on.

I haven't been feeling the best. I had a small incident in which I didn't react the best. Luckily for me, I'm not underrating that statement. I bumped my car into the side of a curb and when my car revved but didn't do anything I simply panicked. I didn't start screaming or anything but I immediately pulled over and my mind went into overdrive thinking that I'd destroyed my precious car. I called my husband to come get me and waited for him in a dark parking lot. He arrived to show me that nothing was wrong with my car. I felt stupid but so grateful that he came to my rescue. The point is that I shouldn't have reacted like that. If I'd just taken a breath and a clear thought I would have figured out nothing was wrong and just went on my merry way home. It made me realize just how stressed I was and how I needed to rest, which is what I did yesterday. I'm so very glad I did as I didn't even realize how worked up about everything I was becoming. So this is my reminder to myself--to rest every so often and to enjoy the moments in between of a good summer as they never last long before we're back to school and reality.

Time's a ticking, along with my heart

I'm a mother and that means I care too much which also translates to pushing too hard. I know that sometimes I'm too harsh. Honestly, there's no excuse. I need to learn to curb my ire and phrase things in a kinder way.

I have to learn to control my frustration. It comes from seeing people, especially those I care about, not doing the best they can. I have a real difficulty not understanding people who aren't motivated to do what is best for them. If you complain about being out of shape or overweight then do something about it. Sitting down in front of the computer for 8 hours of the day is not helping you lose weight. Going for a walk does. Effort is something that you need to give to achieve anything so if you don't put effort into things it makes no sense to complain if you are not achieving anything. Complaining does nothing but waste my time. Wasting time is a huge pet peeve of mine. I have to learn to give people time though. I have to learn to be more patient. Not everyone has had the same experiences that I did to learn such a lesson. 

I'm a mama. I want what's best for everyone. I just need to remember that giving someone time to learn something is not a waste of my time.