I find it ironic that some people need to know that their lives are ending before they can finally allow themselves to really live, but then again at that point what do you have to lose? I suppose that's the kicker though. Fear controls us all. Most people fear death more than anything and I can understand that. Not knowing what's ahead of you and leaving the ones you live behind are scary things to face.
I'm an odd duck though. I don't fear death and no, that does mean I seek it or welcome it whenever it will come for me. I'll fight tooth and nail to stay alive but it's not cause I'm afraid of dying but cause I got too much to live for. The clincher for me is that I'm more afraid of not living.
We're given only so much time in this mortal realm with opportunities to try so many different things. How can a person keep doing the same things over and over again and not want to experience the world around them? Yeah, I get there are things out there that we don't want to deal with but if you don't try it, how can you know for sure you won't like it? It may indeed hurt, make you sad and force you through a whole host of negativity but what if the good outweighs the bad, how will you learn to overcome if you don't give it a shot? Honestly, I never feel more alive than I do when I'm seeing, feeling, hearing, tasting or touching something I've never had the opportunity to experience before.
So, I want to live. I'm tired of waiting for people who say they want to do things but never actually get off their bums to do it. Seriously, they waiting for written invitations or something? Cause when death comes knocking on your door, I very much doubt you sent pretty stationery out for that sort of party. So screw them. Some things I'll may ask for others to join me but for the most part, I'm absolutely willing to go solo if I need to.
Talk all you want, people. I'm going to do. Honestly, now that I'm thinking about it, I know too many people who just talk & only talk on how they want to do 'this', or go 'there', but 'this' makes it so I can't go. I think of something, I plan it out and then I do. Cause what's the point of talking about doing something if you're not going to do it? I'm no longer waiting around to hear your excuses.
The hard part is that I want to do so much. I need a plan, so I'm grabbing a notebook and I'm going to keep track of the typical experiences that people are supposed to have and also have a list of things that are reachable at a good time period but also have a list of things that aren't as typical that I can strive for. The goal is to try to do at least 2 things off any of the lists every month, whether it be big or small. It can be something as simple as try a food that I've never eaten before, to taking a trip to a store in the area that I've just never been to, to learning to speak Irish, to even planning how I'm finally going to Laos or Egypt.
And no, I'm not dying. I'm alive and healthy. I don't need to get to that point to start living. My bucket isn't going to be kicked for a long time but I'm going to fill it up so that when I get to that point that I'm close to dying, I want to able to say, "Yeah, I did that and came out of it with an awesome story about it." Then I'll kick it over so that it spills over all around you and you can see that I lived. I want to live now and I will, so I don't need that bucket. But anyone who wants to borrow, you're welcome to it.
So I'm going to think of my list. It may take me a while to come up with everything I want to do and I know that it'll never be completely finished but as long as I keep working on it, well, that's life. Heh heh.
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