I may have mentioned this before but I'm bipolar. It's difficult, to say the least though I will be the first to admit that I have it much easier than others. I have checks and balances that must be tripped successfully before I succumb usually. I'm able to usually tell when I'm in the middle of the episode when it does happen. I'm usually in pretty good control but not always and that's when it gets hard for me.
Being bipolar is a bit like being a reflection. I'm not a direct copy of the moods around me but an odd mixture of my own thoughts and the flowing emotions of everyone around me. I'm constantly on the edge and though I trip, I never fall to the bottom.
I'm sitting on the beach. Waves are constantly crashing against me. Sometimes I get wet. Sometimes there's enough time in between that I can dry off even. It's always close enough that I can feel droplets across my face. Nighttime is when I'm most calm and only have to worry about seeing myself. I'm surrounded in darkness with the starlight reflecting above and before me. It's an endless stream of thought. During the day, that's when there are others on the beach surrounding me. They crash into the ocean sometimes splashing me til I'm dripping wet with ocean water and I can taste it. Other times they're just in my peripheral vision as they come in and out with their emotions. Too many times they've dragged me into the surf and I've almost drowned. Sometimes they even rescue me but it's usually just me, pulling myself out inch by inch as the sand continues to fall into the ocean.
Sometimes I wish it was just me on my night beach but I would miss the people. I wouldn't mind an little more time there though.
You'll have to forgive another late posting (as if there's anyone to actually ask for such forgiveness.) Summer is full tilt and I'm in the full whirl of it.
My child is out school so we are in the mists of summer learning activities. Every summer I give my daughter some basic education reviews while sometimes mixing in some extras. She has an summer learning book, which is basically a review of things she already knows and only takes her about 5 mins to complete, 25 minutes of reading when was upped 5 mins from last summer and then this year she has a daily choice of an extra activity, choosing between working on cursive handwriting, 20 mins of journal writing, practicing math facts, an arts'n'crafts or an astronomy lesson. We have also continued swimming lessons this summer, during which she has won the right to swim in the deep end of the pool after proving she can swim 1 pool length and tread for 1 min. I'm really proud of my daughter. She's really working hard but of course, she still has plenty of free time to enjoy being a kid with video games and tv. The weather is unfortunately too hot to enjoy the outdoors but we will be sure to take ever chance we can get of the great outdoors.
The To Do List never seems to lessen as the addition of owning our own home seems to keep that list long. We have brief moments on which we are caught up but then more needs to be done to the house or living situation. We're getting there though, slowly but surely.
Then of course, there are the outside forces. Some family members are doing better than others, so that's been stressful and I'm choosing not to disclose any details right now. Let's not even mention the things going on in the news but suffice it to say that it hurts my heart more than I let on.
I haven't been feeling the best. I had a small incident in which I didn't react the best. Luckily for me, I'm not underrating that statement. I bumped my car into the side of a curb and when my car revved but didn't do anything I simply panicked. I didn't start screaming or anything but I immediately pulled over and my mind went into overdrive thinking that I'd destroyed my precious car. I called my husband to come get me and waited for him in a dark parking lot. He arrived to show me that nothing was wrong with my car. I felt stupid but so grateful that he came to my rescue. The point is that I shouldn't have reacted like that. If I'd just taken a breath and a clear thought I would have figured out nothing was wrong and just went on my merry way home. It made me realize just how stressed I was and how I needed to rest, which is what I did yesterday. I'm so very glad I did as I didn't even realize how worked up about everything I was becoming. So this is my reminder to myself--to rest every so often and to enjoy the moments in between of a good summer as they never last long before we're back to school and reality.
